My Appreciation
by Letters to Charlie
Summary: Written from Adam's POV, Lawerence's and his life after that fateful day. Slash.


My Appreciation

If this was what my life was condemned to be, then I guess I was still losing the game. Most days I was grateful to be alive, but I honestly couldn't say I changed that much. I was still emotionally detached, despite all Larry's help, though less angry than before but more discontent. Some days I woke, only to feel the distress and claustrophobic nature I now suffered to have completely consumed me. I would frantically pace in our room, tearing out hair and subconsciously digging at my shoulder, often resulting in drawn blood.

Then he would walk into the room. He would take my hands, softly kissing them, and lead me to the bathroom to clean me up. This was my Larry. He was mine now. I couldn't say that after all that happened, it was hard to explain to anyone. Even Alison was as accepting as she could have possibly been. I suppose that after all she had to go through as well, she was more withdrawn just as we were. Maybe she never showed us what her true reaction was, all I know is when we told her she slowly nodded and poured some more tea. We sometimes all went out together, all three of us. What a strange group we made. But I liked Alison. I often wonder why Larry chooses me over such a woman.

Another girl that came into my life with such welcoming gestures that it made me feel guilty was Diana. Much like Larry was, Diana became my sunshine. A few months after that fateful day ended, Diana had forgotten most of it, like children are likely to do. Like the rest of us, she had her bad days too, and she often slept at night with Alison or between Larry and me when she stayed with us. None of us complained.

When we had first moved in, Diana wasn't around much. She came for one night at a time, not because Alison had a problem with her staying with us, but because we needed the time to adjust and recover a bit more. I suspect that Alison needed Diana more than she let on those first few weeks; with Larry gone, I'm sure she was afraid of being alone.

Eventually Diana came to spend as much time with us as she did with her mother. At first she didn't pay me too much heed, she just clung to her father. I had to learn to share him with her; by then I was used to having him to myself. I also realized then how much Larry catered to everyone's needs and I felt like I had hardly given him anything out of our relationship. So whenever Diana came around, I stayed out of their way and cleaned or cooked.

One day after lunch I was putting away freshly washed dishes when I saw something hurriedly move toward me. I jumped nearly a foot into the air, nearly dropping the plate I had in my hand, when I registered it was only Diana. She had a huge smile on her face, and as she took the plate out of my hand and put it down, she requested me something.

"Adam, you have to watch Blue's Clues with us!"

After that day it became a rule that I'd sit with her on the couch and watch Blue's Clues with her. At that time, it'd been long enough so Larry had returned to a regular work schedule. I missed him during the day, so I was grateful to have Diana with me. Our time on the couch evolved from just sitting near each other to having her in my lap even when Larry was there. Larry was ecstatic that we were becoming so close, although I couldn't help but feel some guilt.

We moved out of our apartment and bought a house where Diana could have her own proper room. It wasn't far from Alison's new abode, so it worked out well for her as well. Larry left decorating her room mostly up to me; he claimed I was the artistic one. I remember feeling extremely nervous the day she came to see the new house. I saved her room for last, and it ended up being one of the happiest moments of my life. She jumped up and down, ran from toy chest to toy chest, and furiously hugged my legs.

"Oh thank you, thank you, Daddy!"

Daddy. That's what she had said. At first I freaked, because Larry was standing silently with a smile on his face in the doorway and I didn't want him to think I was replacing him, but he told me later that he'd been urging her to call him dad for weeks. It was strange, but it also made me very happy. Even Alison told me she approved later when we had tea, something that became routine. She had found someone new; a man a few years older than herself. She was thinking about moving with him to England, where he was originally from.

That night I sat restlessly at the table waiting for Larry to come home. If Alison moved so far away, who would have Diana? I was distraught to say the least. Alison had her for the night, so I was left alone to pace the hallways. Larry was late that night, and it was heavily storming. Those two factors alone were usually enough to put me into a nervous state, but that night I lost it.

When Larry found me, he found me in Diana's room, cowered down in a corner. I had wrapped myself up in a tight ball, rocking myself. I was shaking badly and sweating profusely. I didn't even realize he was with me for a few minutes, but when I did I completely collapsed in his arms. I tried to tell him why I was upset; I told him about Alison leaving and Diana with her. It was this that had brought out other things too, all my self doubts and worries, my insecurities. I could by no means choke all these feelings out between my sobs.

"I'm so sorry, Larry," I managed to make out, somewhat evenly. I took in a deep breath and leaned in against his chest.

"Shhhh…"

"I'm sorry for everything," My mouth kept on going. "I'm sorry I haven't been able to give you everything you've given me. I'm sorry I sometimes drift away from you and Diana. I'm sorry I ever took those pictures of you."

"I'm hardly sorry you took those photos," he told me as he shifted me in his arms. He gently ran his fingers through a small patch of my hair, one that had streaked grey after I had been recovered from the batheroom.

"Why?" I stilled against him.

"Because we never would have been together if not for them," he was very careful with his words. If he had said it any other way, I would have probably pushed him away and collapsed in on myself. Instead I wrapped my arms around him and pressed my face into his neck.

So maybe something good did come from that day. Maybe I am more grateful to be alive. But I will never admit this out loud. I think Larry might, but that's why I love him.

It was months later when Alison moved to England with Rob, planning to get married and planning for a baby at the same time. Diana stayed there with us, and neither Larry nor I could have been happier. We promised to visit as soon as they were settled, and we'd split up turns on holidays for who goes where so we could all be together.

The following year when Diana started third grade proved to be a little more difficult for everyone; Larry spent more and more time at work and seemed to be suffering a recurring illness, Diana was starting to have more challenging math homework, and I found myself wishing for more commitment. Here Larry had bought a home with me and was raising a child with me, giving me his every attention when I so much as asked for it. How could I ask for more? What exactly was I asking for? But as usual, Larry knew exactly what I wanted, and that summer we tied the knot.


End file.
